Now, I find myself accepting (more often than not) that I am a cinic. I always see the worst case scenario. I pick on my weaknesses...sometimes I pick on other people's weaknesses (usually only to myself...a pathetic way of boosting my self esteem...and something that I need to overcome). I avoid adventures. I am comfortable in familiar environments and thrive on routine. Wake. Eat. School. Eat. Gym. Eat. Eat. Eat (I like to eat). Sometimes I think I have painted myself into a corner. I feel like I have made so many decisions in my life that have created me, and I created a me that doesn't do well with change...a me that fears change.
I dream of adventure. I dream of traveling the world. I dream of becoming famous. I dream of breaking records.
I have had opportunities to have adventures and travel...and have found myself feeling anxious and irrate the whole time. I am trying to become (sort of) famous...but I constantly feel inadequate. I work my tail off to be the best at something...but every day realize that I am far from dwelling in the realm of the elite. I find myself remembering how average I am...and it ruins my day sometimes.
Here is a secret...every day I am unsure of myself. I know I am capable of more, but I fear failure. Or do I fear success? Sometimes it must both, because it is different. I fear different.
This could be a moment of revelation. I could choose to take steps to be better at accepting change...and maybe I will. In the meantime, here is a secret...a bit on the serious side...but a secret, nonetheless.
Sorry, Jos...not much for giggles ;) BUT if you want a laugh tonight...remember that one time when I made you pee in my front yard? Hahahaha. Ah, childhood...
